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@AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Any suggestions on what to do when your 8 year old is having a meltdown and physically attacking you or their mum? We’ve tried a lot but nothing seems to help, she just wants to hit mum and hurt her.
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Possibly a choice board? If they’re able to tell if a meltdown is going to happen having a visual board of choices to help them calm can help? Eg. Have a drink/snack, calming squeezes, go for a walk, counting to 10 etc. Also try to avoid isolating them, had lots of nurses lock me in rooms alone to calm down I just ended up hurting myself. source: I am autistic and wife works in SEN school
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Giving them a calm space to go to? Full of soft or sensory things to help them calm (or hit if that’s what they’re doing). It’s hard to get them there once they’re hitting and going but using simple language like “calm room.” Or “calm time” whilst leading them to that space? Always make that space a CHOICE rather than a punishment
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic Really your best bet is to act *before* the meltdown. Which is tricky, I know.
It helped us to all have a plan for what to do. Even the 8yo, if possible. They probably have no volition at that point? But if they are in on the plan it might help them. Maybe start the plan with, "Honey, you're having a meltdown."?
What helped us most was asking our daughter what we should do when she was in meltdown – but that was later.
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic I'm not an expert at all but some context could help. What is the setting, what have you tried, is she verbal, has sensory issues, is she receptive to spoken language. Answers to these and other factors such as co-morbidities would probably require different approaches.
Give her space, give her a pillow/sofa cushion to hit, instead. Talk to her about it when she's not having a meltdown, because she may not be hearing you when she is.
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
Darren does she know what triggers her meltdowns? I don't have children so you might not find my advice particularly useful, but as a rule once I'm in meltdown state there's nothing anyone (including myself) can do.
So it's all about working on improving interoception and self awareness to know when I'm getting close to the edge, and being able to tap out of a situation if I know it's going to deregulate me.
The very worst thing is knowing that I have no autonomy and can't leave a situation.
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
(sorry just to add, when I was a child my meltdowns included trying to bite people. I couldn't help it)
@Zumbador @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic I don’t think she knows as such, but we’re just starting to notice triggers. She’s only just been diagnosed and we’ve been seeing traits for a year or so, so this is all new to all of us at the moment.
A bit trigger at the moment seems to be disappointment. If she doesn’t get what she wants (to do an activity, first go at something, and toy etc) then often that leads to her starting to spiral and we can sometimes head that off.
I don't know your daughter, so I can't be certain, but...
"trigger at the moment seems to be disappointment. If she doesn’t get what she wants"
A trigger I've had to learn to deal with is having plans change, with no notice. It's not "not getting what I want", it's "I planned for this, went over everything mentally, had it all laid out, and suddenly things are back in disarray - an unknown". Unknown is scary, and blank.
I think I explained that badly, so I'll try again.
Everything I do is planned out, and mentally rehearsed, even a trip to the grocery store. If something changes - a road is blocked off, the store re-arranged, *anything* - it short-circuits me until I can re-map. Until I found out I was autistic, I thought everyone did that, but no, it's just me and people like me, and other people don't get how much it throws me off. They see it as no big deal, for me it's epic.
@ScottSoCal @Darren @actuallyautistic
With me it is similar, but a little different.
It mostly depends on the "emotional resources" I have left.
Grocery store is okay, I know where everything is etc. anyway, there is no music (good) and reasonable sound design (very good).
If a plan (like meeting certain people) that already will costs me energy is disrupted or changed at short notice, that is deadlock territory.
Or when a lot of stuff comes together (migraines, muscle pain, discussion with annoying person).
I would assume that someone who comes home from work or school or something similar needs to recharge first for a bit.
Depending on the activity/noise level at home, one might automatically keep their energy-draining "awareness"/"masking" on.
Like coming home with 8% smartphone battery, but instead of putting it on the charger, you have to answer a call first.
@Darren @Zumbador @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic
"Yes you can do that. After you're done, then we can do a or b"
Let the request happen, then let her help choose the next path. Both my parents were unknowingly autistic. They always let us pick from choices. It even helps to make the choices a sequence of steps.
@Darren @AutisticAdam @actuallyautistic one thing my parents used to do when I was just starting to get upset was ask me to "write" them a letter telling them all the worst things I wanted to say.
I put write in quotes because I couldn't really write yet, so it was actually a drawing with a lot of angry scribbling.
It was great because I was allowed to be angry and ugly in the safe space of the drawing.
"The very worst thing is knowing that I have no autonomy and can't leave a situation."
Feeling powerless is a huge trigger for me - especially when it's someone I don't trust to be neutral.